The 3 Old Chics - Girls Night In

Our ladies of leisureliness have come together at Grace's estate. Quickly filling up on their usual vices and getting comfortable in a house full of scantily clad servants, they are once again ready for some inactive fun…

T: Gracie, it was so great of you to invite us to your house for our Ladies’ Night In. The winter this year is just bitin’! Mind you, I don’t mind biting—when it’s us who do it. Oh, Stella! How can you pass gas now!?! You’re going to scare the cute servants away!

S: (throws a macaroon at her)

G: Trudi, you HAVE to eat that now!!!

T: Oh! You two are stressing me out—need to light up two cigarettes now. Humph! Can’t even take some criticism.

S: Eat a filter—it would do your mouth good. Now, who spiked the coffee? You are BOTH…drunk.

T: Ha! …forgot what I was going to say.

G: Belvedere!! Bring on the more, I mean bring more liquor, these gabs are too serious! Now, now, we've got important things to discuss. What movies have you viewed recently? I just recently saw The Hours. You two?

S: Getting on to business with more bevy? I’m surprised you’re coherent. Now, where’s your scantily clad service? My cup is almost empty! Girls, you look like you might get all touchy-feely. Gah. I saw The Two Towers.

T: Hmm…Huh? What did you two say? I’m sorry I was just checking out the scrumptious behind of Lazarus. Gracie, do you always make your servants wear such skimpy outfits?

G: Oh, what, you mean loincloths are skimpy?!

S: No, no…they’re just fine. Do I have something on my nose?

T: Yeah, I think you flicked your cigarette on your nose. But that’s not so surprising since you can’t see past your own nose…oh, I’m mean. Stella, I think your meanness is rubbing off on me. And you know why?! I’ll tell you why! …hold on let me think about this…oh yes…I got food poisoning last week!! Oh, was it everlasting… …Lazarus! Pour me another drink! Need to drown in my sorrows.

S: If I cared, my dear, I would be insulted. As for meanness rubbing off—I’m glad—it’ll do you good. Grace, where did you get the inspiration for the services’ outfits? I think the Lord of the Rings people should seek advice from you…Certain elves, or no, no, some are too scrawny. Certain dirty kings…eh, maybe not. Nevertheless, I admire the genius.

G: Welllll, actually, I went on a safari in the North of Sweden, and found these three dancing around an igloo and I just picked them up from there and they haven’t changed since…Holy *#@! I’m drunk or on a caffeine high! Hmm, Lord of the Rings, Mr. Elf Boy, his attire of tight leggings and long blond locks, THERE is a man. Belvedere! I need some gin and tonic!

S: Yes, that cough sounds chronic. Ah…There’s the last cigarette.

(Trudi makes a mad dash for it and shoves it in her mouth. A smug expression appears on her face.)

S: You evil little…argh!!!! No words to describe, I, I, …SERVICE, double gin and tonic, NOW!!!

T: I need this cig! My life depends on them! Now, then...let’s get down to business. I, personally, really like how Peter Jackson embellished the estrogen side of the story. I think that’s what made the movie. Without the aspect it’d be complete crapola! And it was also a good marketing strategy on the director’s part, you know? I mean. Not only little boys want to see adventurous fantasy movies…old drunk women want to watch them too, you know?

S: Yes, we could very well be any one of the dazzling leading ladies. Just a band of boys wouldn’t be as much fun. Especially since over half are so damn short and every opponent is simply hideous. Some pretty dresses are nice to see on more than Legolas…
G: I especially liked the outfits on the elf queen and Arwen. The jewelry, EXQUISITE!! I must say, whoever the costume designer was must have been acquainted with me at one time or another, otherwise the costumes would have definitely been lower in quality…Whatever the case, I have to say that I am an influence in the costume world…muahahahah…(evil voice:) we must kill them…(innocent voice:) but master they are my friends…(evil voice:) do not listen to such foolishness, you are the queen of the chics…(innocent voice:) but master, I want to have myyyyy pppreccciousssss…my cig…(evil voice:) we will get it, just trust me, you must listen to me, they are just using you and are not your friends, I am your only friend…(innocent voice:) okay, okay, Gracie will lead them to the cig, Gracie will listen, Gracie has no friends, the precious is her only friend…

(Trudi and Stella laugh nervously while Grace looks away)

T: Gracie! Gracie? Stella, Grace looks odd. I believe she had toooo much alcohol—not that such a state really exists for us. But I believe she’s had at least thrice as much as we did. Maybe if the service would take her to bed she’ll have happy dreams?

S: The service…take her…to bed…What?

T: Oh, come on, Stella! You know that kind of medicine is the only one that works for Grace.

S: Medicine…pills, alcohol, cigarettes. Men are just substitutes. Regardless, I have lost my train of thought. Oh yes, Grace, we were talking about something. I can’t recall. You must show us the way, back…

G: Yessssss, the way, the way to some action, gals. Off to journey! Must hastily depart! Good night!