The 3 Old Chics - Way off the board

On a cruise-ship somewhere in the Carribean, the old chics are basking in the sun by the main pool on this luxurious boat…

Trudi: (walking up to Stella and Grace with drinks) So how are you girls enjoying this cruise? Here, have a drink. (Plops down on a poolside bed).

Stella: Oh. Are drinks allowed here???? These puritanical, environmentalist pansies tell me I can’t smoke but they allow DRINKING? I swear, if I see another ‘no smoking’ sign I will throw some of these chairs overboard, and then the stuff!

Grace: You think you’ve got problems Stella? Have you looked around at the male population on this floating contraption? They either have porcelain teeth or beer bellies the size of a barrel. And the only young chaps around are middle aged! You call this a cruise? It’s a hospital for the healthy! Ugh!

T: I do believe the barmen are quite young. So do get ready for a long and fun evening, Grace.

S: And get me some cigarettes from them! I’ve already gone through my batch and I’m on my reserves!

G: Well girls, although this trip isn’t as successful as we hoped, at least we get to visit the waters of Sri Lanka!

T: Honey? No. We’re not in Sri Lanka. I know you’ve been reading up on it lately but really – check sober/drunk levels before you start talking!

S: Blah, blah, blah. Who cares where we are when I can’t have a cigarette and the moment I do some old fogey will rat on me to the crew…

G: Muahahaha! Look who’s talking, Miss Fogey of Sri Lanka! I still say that 70 years old and a bartender is fogeyish! And plus, they’re spirited, coffees are just spices and coffee! Who does that? I need a White Russian! Girls… we need to figure something out…

T: A mission? We’re going on a mission? Yes!!! Ladies! Let’s stand together (quickly gets up off her chair) and go together against this…! SPLASH!! (Trudi falls into the pool) HE-ELP!!! (After some trouble makes her way out of the pool)

S: (stands up) Let’s do this for all the young people on this boat! All those uncorrupted by modern ideaologies. But first, a toast. We have to start this the right way!

G: (lifts up her Brandy glass) To all the young pecs, full haired and upright standing males with gorgeous tans, to the energy of the young Cuban cleaning pool boys, and to the long lasting cigarettes of Sri Lanka and sweet tasting Amarretto Coffees… Cheers to young longevity and drunken senility… off to search for fun…

T: Thanks for taking advantage of the situation! I fall into the pool and you take over my speech! So, what exactly are we going to do, huh? I’m hungry, so I note we go to the buffet but – gasp! – the dining area is closed right now, it’s not lunch time yet. I think we can sneak in through the back. Oh and by the way Grace we’re not in Sri Lanka! (takes in deep breath) I need a cigarette now! I think I have a spare pack in my room! Oops, shouldn’t have said that out loud in front of Stella!

S: You would hold out on me like this??? Fine then. Regardless of how good a friend you are – the mission needs accomplishing! Plan A: we make it into the captain’s cabin. Reason 1: to turn this ship around. I can’t be on it for a WEEK! Reason 2: I bet the bastard has tons of goods in that hideout.

T: Like dessert??? Yes let’s go! (takes a few steps wobbling from side to side, while her face turns green) Woah – mumble, mumble – I don’t feel so good… I think I’m sea sick… must walk towards the edge…

S: What sort of a team is this? One member is sick and the other one lost. Oh boy. Come on Grace, let’s follow Trudi “to the edge” and hopefully that’ll get us closer to the Captain’s cabin.

T: To the edge!! Follow me!! (They walk towards the bow of the boat. Trudi leans over) I’m the Queen of the World!! Look girls – the water is so pretty! (Breaks into a song) Oh so pretty! I’m so prett-y! La-la!

G: Pour some more wine! You’ll all be fine! Now where is Captain Bob? We must make him stop, in pretty Malaysia; there, we will stop off for some CIGARS! But, I’ve also heard our dear Captain is of our young generation gals, time to head over!

T: I’m so pretty! Oh so pretty… S: Which way? Which way? Hm. I knew the emergency exits maps were good for something. This way gals! (They reach the cabin. Trudi is holding on to the door frame, looking sick, Grace is at the window pointing to nothing and looking giddy, and Stella starts searching through the dear Captain’s belongings. With time she is madly throwing his things around.) I know he has something hidden here!

T: Soooooo! Prettyyy!!!!

G: Look, it’s Sri Lanka! (looking at the island, giddily) I bet the Captain here has some pictures, let’s see if he has a wife! If not, well, um, well…

T: Stella! Relax! You won’t look so pretty if you stay so angry! Let’s go to my room and we’ll share my pack of cigs – secretly, with the ventilation turned on in the bathroom so the smoke alarm doesn’t go off.

S: Girls, grab everything on the dresser and we’ll have fun figuring out just what kind of a man he is… while enjoying the vintage merlot I brought! (The cabin door opens and in comes Captain Bob).

T: Oh! Hello! You’re so pretty… I mean, handsome. Hee, hee.

G: My dear Captain you are probably wondering what 3 beautiful ladies are doing in your quarters, well there is a simple explanation for that. Stella here is your long lost cousin! Yes, you don’t know it but that cousin you thought died in a plane accident swam to the shores of Sri Lanka and has now decided to meet up with you… so umm… hi! (The Captain does not seem impressed).

S: Ha-ha-ha! That was just a joke. You see, Trudi here, is your long lost girlfriend from high school. Well, girlfriend might be a stretch. But, you had that moment. At that place. That day. Remember??? She’s searched for you so-o long…

T: That’s right! So you see I was just trying to find you… and well here you are… oh – I don’t feel so good… (throws up on the poor Captain).

***

(A while later; Trudi, Stella and Grace are in an airplane; They’re flying back home after being asked to leave the boat).

G: I must say, quite the successful trip eh, Trudi? Well, I didn’t see Sri Lanka but I saw Trudi’s last week’s breakfast. Ha-ha!

S: We must admit: the mission was accomplished. To this I propose a toast! To being on land. To convenience, stores nearby and no non-smoking signs in sight! To GOOD coffee shops! To BAD attitudes! Getting kicked off the Fogey Boat and being able to see Trudi throw up on Captain Bob’s shoes and Grace taking advantage of his shock! Cheers!

T: Ah… We’re so pretty. Oh so pretty.

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